I wanted to write this blog because I was talking to a friend the other day, and it really irritates me that the occurrence of miscarriage is so common, yet it’s something that is just swept under a rug…  There is this silent group of women (and men) who have miscarried and that nobody talks about it.  I don’t quite understand why it’s such a silent topic because when you start talking about it, women start coming out of the woodwork that have gone through the same thing.  Is it because people don’t know what to say?  I wanted anyone out there who is silently going through this to know that you’re not alone. I also wanted anyone that has not had a miscarriage to have some ideas on how to react to someone that has lost a pregnancy.

I remember very vividly the first miscarriage I had.  My husband and I were greeted with a very big surprise before he had secured his “real job” and it was a scary yet exciting time for us.  We were paying rent to live with friends until we knew for sure where his job would take us.  I remember riding my bike home from work, getting home feeling crampy and my back was hurting.  I had forgotten my keys at work and my roomates weren’t home so when I realized something was really wrong, I sat in the garage crying until JP got home from work.  The hospital told me to stay lay down and relaxed and put ice on my tummy.  The next day, an ultrasound confirmed the baby was  6 weeks, 5 days old and there was no heartbeat.  2 weeks later the actual miscarriage occurred, which was a bloody nightmare.  We had already told our friends and family so I think “untelling” was the worst part.  Anyone that has had a m/c can relate to the feeling of failure, worrying about later pregnancies, thinking will I ever have kids and so many other emotions.

It’s completely normal to feel a huge range of emotions.  I had a lot of hate during that time.  I remember going from happy to sad to angry to have a complete meltdown.  I remember hating God, hating my friends that were pregnant, hating my job (I worked at a daycare at the time) and hating anyone that said the wrong thing.  If you’ve had a miscarriage and are having trouble coping, call your hospital to see if there is counseling available or check out forums about pregnancy loss.  While it’s normal to be upset, long periods of depression are not healthy and you should talk to your doctor if there is a concern. Find a friend to confide in.   Take care of yourself and get some exercise.  This last message may tick some people off: It’s your body, but remember the father of the baby has emotions too.  You’ll be feeling a different sort of pain, but he will be confused and won’t know how to comfort you, and won’t understand the physical pain of a miscarriage.  Communicate and share your fears.  You don’t need to share every gory detail, but keep in mind a part of him will change too and he may need a little support.

If you have a friend that is going through a miscarriage and have never been through one it’s hard to know what to do.  Every woman handles a loss differently.  The best thing you can do is say I’m sorry for your loss, what can I for you and just listen to her.  As encouraging as it may seem to say “maybe now wasn’t the right time” or “everything happens for a reason” it probably won’t be comforting.  She will be wondering what caused it and why her baby.  DO NOT suggest things that she may have done wrong that caused a miscarriage (such a working out, stress, a glass of wine, riding a bike etc).  Don’t you dare make comments regarding the age of the baby.  It hurts deep no matter how far you are in the pregnancy.  Just listen.  Suggest going for a walk or a movie to get them out of the house.  If you’re uncomfortable approaching them to say sorry but want to do something nice you can always send a card or flowers.

If you’re a man whose spouse is having a miscarriage, it’s okay to have feelings too.  I remember the hardest part for my husband was not knowing what to do with me.  I was a mess and he couldn’t fix it.  Time will heal wounds.  Take her out on a date, get flowers, and offer to listen.  Emotional support is really important during this time.  If she’s crying, hold her- don’t run away.  If she’s angry, understand she’s not mad at you, she’s mad at the situation.  If you are struggling with the loss, talk to someone.  I was shocked to hear my husband was upset about the loss.  I was so caught up in myself and how I was feeling I didn’t even think about him.  If sex is on the brain, don’t ask “so when can we have sex again?”  It will take time for her to heal physically and mentally, try not to take it personally.

I wish I could say it gets easier if you have multiple miscarriages like myself, but it doesn’t.  Fear replaces the joy in pregnancy.  You don’t tell your family for 13 weeks because you don’t want to look dumb.  You go through medical testing to find out if there’s anything wrong with your body or genes.  You watch friends get pregnant and have kids while you sit there trying to be happy for them.  You’ll still wonder why me, why my body and will I ever have kids.

Never give up, you’re not alone.

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