This Fall I decided it was time- our family pictures haven’t been updated in 3 years, and we don’t have any professional pictures of the two of us since…. 8 years ago when we got married. So much to my family’s dismay, it was time. When the morning was upon us, I whipped out my clipboard and went through a list of demands to get us through Family Photo Day. Welcome to bootcamp minions.
1. Don’t eat or ask to eat anything that will stain or make a mess. This means yogurt, applesauce, spaghetti, ketchup, ranch, soup, and pretty much anything else we have available in the house. Here’s some bread and water to get you through the day- We will have Pizza Ranch for dinner if you can keep yourself clean and follow the rest of the rules.
2. Don’t whine, or mommy will lose it. Husband, I’m referring to you most of all. I know you hate having pictures taken. I know you hate wearing a dress shirt. I know you hate smiling endlessly for some stupid picture. I have known you for 10 years, therefore I know. Don’t whine. You are racking up some serious points on the “hottest hubby ever” meter right now by putting yourself through this and like every married woman who just desperately wants some family photos there will be guaranteed sexy time tonight if you don’t whine. Just smile and look pretty.
3. To the 2 year old- don’t you dare poop mid photo session. Time is money kid, and our family needs every second to look as Facebook perfect as possible. And I’m sorry we weren’t able to get your haircut before this- your baby mullet will go down in infamy.
4. To the 5 year old, no attitude, no whining, no drama, no picking on or touching your brother. I mean it. While I’m at it, no whining about not being able to pick out your outfit for today. Sometimes fuzzy boots, red on pink on Zebra on purple, 3 headbands and layers of plastic princess jewelry doused in sparkles just don’t cut. Today is that day.
5. Don’t get dirty. Don’t even think about getting dirty. No you cannot play outside, or paint or play playdoh or touch anything. In fact, I’d prefer if you just sat there on the couch like a statue with Paw Patrol on repeat for the day.
6. I love you guys and I want photographic evidence to prove it, so deal with it. A mom cannot live on selfies alone. Now let’s go to Pizza Ranch!