Although this blog post is no longer in alignment with my values regarding dieting and binge/emotional eating, I felt it was important to keep this blog to raise awareness for disordered eating habits and our obsession with health. For an updated blog on what has helped me break the yo-yo diet AND binge eating cycle, please refer to these blogs regarding the process it has taken me to go from yo-yo dieter and binge/emotional eater to having a neutral, normal relationship with food:
Why I Quit Dieting
If I Inspired You to Lose Weight, I’m Sorry
I Quit Dieting and Became a Better Mom
Did you know this week is Eating Disorder Awareness week? Did you know that there are other disorders besides bulimia and anorexia? I’ve vaguely referred to it before, but I have a dirty little secret.
To most people that follow my blog or Facebook page, you’ll notice that as a whole I eat very wholesome, delicious food. I love to cook and try new things. You know I freaking LOVE to workout- freaking love it. But there’s a dark side behind it. It’s something I rarely discuss because truthfully it’s hard for me to preach a message of “discipline” and “self-control” when I struggle so deeply, but I’m a closet binge eater. Its gotten better as I’ve chosen to face and fight this problem, but I still struggle with it. It’s the reason I have yo-yo’d for many years. It’s the reason it’s taking me far longer than most to reach my goal weight. I have to work on my mind much harder than my body to put an end to this.
3 years ago, my closet eating habits reached a peak. As my husband began working nights I found myself feeling extremely alone, having extreme difficulty sleeping and had I sought medical help, I likely would have been diagnosed with depression. I had gotten into the habit of secretly eating fast food and hiding wrappers before my husband got home. I would go to the store with a plan in my head of what I was going to eat with the idea it was my last binge and that my diet would start over again tomorrow- only to have the cycle repeat for days. I would eat myself into feeling SO sick. If I was at home, I would fight the temptation to polish off a full bag of chips & dip or Cheezits. I would also struggle with drinking in excess- and again, I would hide the evidence so no one knew what was going on. I was at a point in my life where I felt extremely alone and had created a state of isolation from my friends. I didn’t want them to see how much weight I had gained and my lack of self-control. So I chose to isolate myself. It wasn’t until I actively sought to change the pain on the inside that I was able to truly change my eating habits and focus on finding more positive behaviors to replace them with. I’ve dealt with a great deal of shame and it’s been one of the hardest things to share with people as I’ve lost weight.
I’ve had to cut out certain foods completely because I can’t control myself with them. I’ve dug deep into my past and into God’s plan for my binge eating. I’ve had to I’m proud to say I haven’t had a secret binge in months. I’m definitely a work in progress, but I want a healthy relationship with food. One of my greatest fears is being unable to demonstrate a healthy relationship with food to my children and that they may end up with the same suffering.
Tonight, my husband is working late. I’ve had an extremely stressful and long day and my children haven’t been cooperative. 3 years ago my night would involve a bottle of wine, taco bell and some sushi. Tonight I’m planning to do some yoga and a little personal development. I take things one day at a time. To me, that’s a sign of recovery. It’s a sign that I’m winning the fight over binge eating.